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Sep. 18th, 2010 @ 02:40 am
sometimes, when things are perfect and my life cannot get better, I still sit here at night and want to bang my head against the wall.
As I was walking into my apartment, I was fantasizing that there would be someone there waiting for me. Someone who would take me into her arms, tell me that she was proud of all the things I've been doing, that she loved me, and stayed up late waiting for me to get home because she wanted to know how my comedy night went, or my karaoke night, or my trivia night. Someone who'd comfort me, and make all this work worthwhile. Someone who'd have made extra food knowing I'd be too tired to cook, and that I don't have any food in the apartment anyways.

And though I knew there was no such person, I still choked up when I turned the key in the lock, and walked into my dark room.

now I sit here. where I should feel triumphant in my achievement, and excited about the next step, instead I'm bitter, lonely, and hungry.

I know. I've had chances. and dozens of girls who I've either turned down, slept with once, or strung along till I broke their hearts. I know that this is my doing, and my doing alone.

Sep. 9th, 2010 @ 03:19 am wow guys!
today was the biggest LJ post day I've seen in YEARS! exactly 16 new posts in about the last 24 hours.
Jul. 24th, 2010 @ 02:40 pm hello? *tap tap* this thing On?
well crap, I just realized that I haven't updated since April. (facebook is kind of all encompassing my online time nowadays)

I like to keep this journal relatively updated with where I'm at in life, so when I look back in a few years I can laugh at myself. Its funny to read my posts from 9 years ago and be like "man, I was a fucking tool."

Right now I'm working 6 days a week. been training a new bartender at work. Actually I've been making a significant amount of decisions for the bar over the last couple of weeks. I haven't been formally promoted, but I'm teetering on the brink.

Since April, I have gone to Coachella, Turned 28, gone to Las Vegas, started rollerskating, moved to North Gate, worked an f-ing shitload, I haven't really been going out to shows, I think I've seen one band since Coachella. I have gone to a LOT of roller derby bouts/parties/rinks. Actually I'm learning a lot about Derby and hoping to volunteer as much as possible over the coming year. I'm also hoping that I get good enough at skating that I can either start reffing or actually doing dude derby.

me and a friend are starting a promotion company, we're hoping to throw a bunch of parties over the next few months.

I've been thinking about quitting drinking for a long time, and I've reduced my consumption to about once a week. I might become a teetotaler pretty soon. Same with smoking.

I'm kind of retiring from the crazy life. I've been getting more and more tired of it, and more and more interested in different things, my habits have been changing a lot, and I haven't really been hanging out with my old crowd at all. (but then again, I haven't really been hanging out with anyone at all)

I've been working on making my apartment a home, spending way too much money on it, but enjoying the process immensely I missed having my own space. Lets just hope that things keep going the way they are going.

I love it when my life gets better all at once, its refreshing to feel like I'm in command of my destiny and that I'm making the right decisions.

Apr. 9th, 2010 @ 03:49 pm
April is proving to be a strange and incredibly busy (and drunken) month.

It started with Con, I obviously spent too much time drinking booze that I had no business drinking. I did get to bartend Dethcon which was totally awesome and I can't wait to do it again next year. I blame Kevin, Everclear and the Hot Tub for my three day hangover.

This weekend its Honkfest West, the RCRG bout and hopefully some fucking downtime. (But I know there will be NO downtime. Jack's friend Billy is in town for the weekend, so I know its gonna be balls out from when I leave the apartment today until I get home Monday afternoon.)

Next Thursday morning (at 6am no less) I fly out to LAX for Coachella. (I get to go because of the always amazing spyderfly10. I'll be there in the desert watching some of the best music of this generation while sipping mimosas and mojitos in the sun. (I may have to make the mojitos and mimosas, then smuggle them into the venue, but I'll be fucking sipping them in the sun goddammit.)

While all of this is happening I am desperately trying to save up enough money to get the apartment next door to mine. (Nicole's former place) My goal is $1100 by the end of the month, and I have NO idea if I'm gonna be able to make it or not. (I need to do my taxes...) I do know that I haven't cashed the $439 paycheck that I got for last month (a check with almost 20 hours left off it that will be showing up on the next check, at the end of April) I know that at the moment I am entirely living off my tips, (including paying my bills with said tips) and thats not gonna be able to hold for too long, I already owe Ty $150 that I won't be able to pay him without cashing that check. (well... maybe. If I'm careful this weekend I might be able to work something out.) The plan is to be as cheap and easy as possible until I move in. The total cost for the Apt is $1650 so I'd be $550 short (last months rent) which I'm hoping that I can work out a plan to pay back over time (like over 4 or 5 months.)

I'm also looking for a second job, something full time. If I can score that I'll be making a lot more money, a lot faster. I've been looking all month (via CL which isn't really worth it.), but I need to get out there and pound pavement, and I honestly won't have time for that until AFTER coachella. *shrug* no biggie. My resume is in order, my references are worked out, all I gotta do is hit every bar and restaurant in town, someone will like me enough to hire me.

It looks like I'm gonna have a whole $100 to spend the weekend of Coachella, which isn't that much for 5 days out of town, but I'll make it work. Very little eating out, much cooking, thats how I'll manage it.

wellsir, thats all I got.

Mar. 23rd, 2010 @ 07:29 pm Tomorrow Night at Jai Thai:
For all those of you who don't have Facebook (yahshure this is for you!)

tomorrow night is Tara's birthday party, its gonna be at the Jai Thai on Broadway (235 E broadway) seelenschwester and thuggins will be spinning spinning the theme is super secret squirrel (ask one of us for it, its fucking hilarious.)

show starts at 9pm, and will go till 2am or the place empties out.

Mar. 1st, 2010 @ 10:30 am
I wish I had something to say
an interesting take on the day
or someone to show me the way
who'd force me outside to go play

instead i get stuck in my head
which you know, ain't making no bread
usually just fills me with dread
thinking about what is left unsaid

ass. this is why i'm not a poet. pure ass.
Feb. 24th, 2010 @ 03:42 pm
I soaked my heart in bleach, so it would lose the rich color of love and blood and life
I trained it to be fast, uncompromising, and deadly. I filled it with venom to poison those glimpsing its form
I buried it in layers of aggression, deception, manipulation so that its intentions would remain clouded
Eventually I'd ride my heart like a beast, stripping everything away because I'd forgotten the feel of its beat

I gave my mind to a slot machine, burning my quarters with a squeal of delight
while hoping that the tumblers would align and all lost dreams would appear when the jackpot bell roared
The Bandit's grin widened as promises of unheralded prosperity were fed into its greedy, hungry, belly
I walked away, no lesser for knowing that a gamble taken willingly can only come to nothing

These things I do openly, aware that my choices made with deliberate care, though only trouble comes of them
its an eternal roller coaster, an addiction, one formed by the knot of passion, love, fear, and doubt
I always wait eagerly as the car rounds the bend and drops with a suddenness that could only mean destruction
hoping it will snatch me away at the last possible second, leaving me breathless, exhilarated, alive.

Peace is miles from here, in a direction I won't travel
I purposely turned away from the last years of prosperity and kindness
sterile calmness of serenity, eternal sameness of regularity, regal enforcement of routine
which have become fleeting dreams discarded due to a lack of interest
Feb. 18th, 2010 @ 08:06 am RED
check my fb. ill be in sacramento for a minute today. an hour at the airport. im sure its nowhere near you, but if your nearby at like noon we should smoke a cigarette. call me. my number is on my fb
Jan. 15th, 2010 @ 07:01 pm
got new phone. a g1 android will soon be my bitch. (right now I'm its bitch)

sadly the old phone is still hella gone, with my SIM card in it.

so... please txt me with your name so I can continue to pester you at all hours.

if you don't have the number, its on my facebook.

Dec. 21st, 2009 @ 06:30 am The Longest day of the Year...
Its almost exactly 8 years to the minute since my dad passed away.

for the last 7 years when the holidays approach I begin a rapid descent into some seriously unstable emotional territory. The three worst days have always been Oct. 26th (my Dad's birthday and the traditional beginning of the Holiday season in the Moore home.) Dec 21st (the anniversary of his untimely death) and Christmas (where I am forced to sit in a room with my family and pretend that I'm not a mildewing, festering, lichen-ridden husk. a person who's shell is so thin that the slightest protuberance will cause me to explode like an ichor filled bubble of rot and hate and grief) Its been 8 years of suffering, regret, guilt, pain, fear, and loss. I don't have the words to describe how intense those feelings are. Needless to say, the Holidays aren't typically a time for joy in my world.

Not to belittle my experience, but I've written variations of that last paragraph so many times now that it only bears repeating because there might be one person who doesn't know this about me. I'd like to move out of the murky and crappy past and transition into the awesome part of this post, because my experience this year has been entirely different than any of the years past.

Now I've been noting that the turmoil I go through every year has been getting progressively less, and that I've been becoming more and more sane as my coping skills evolve, and the amount of unresolved grief I have to deal with gets less and less. Sometimes I'd have better years, sometimes I'd have worse ones ('07 good year, 08' bad year etc.)

I accomplished a lot this year. I had to eliminate some particularly toxic people from my orbit, I had to further distance myself from Dad's life, and the people he surrounded himself with, and I severed contact with several members of my family because they served to do no more than fuck up the tenuous stability I'd built.

but build it I did. whether it was the therapy, the maturity, the understanding of myself, the letting go, or the lancing of the old boils, I made it so I can cope.

sure, this holiday season is neither over, nor has it been a bed of roses, cos shitty things have been happening. (the cruise debacle for one.) but instead of being floored by the blows the universe normally throws at people, I rolled with them, made new plans, tried new things. Instead of hiding in my room and avoiding the world for a month, I tried to build things, keep my perspective fresh, see the silver lining.

So, I'm really proud of myself. I can see the progress I'm making and its refreshing. hell, its amazing. I really like the person I've become, and I am unashamed to say that I am better for all of it. Whether its been thrown at me, or I threw it at myself, this crap has made me tough.

I'm not Andy Dufresne who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side. I am Jeff Moore, slightly shitty, but otherwise intact, and ready to face another day. As my Dad used to say: " And now the truth comes out. How you like me now?"


oh and I do miss my Dad. but his absence isn't killing me anymore.